Wow, changing old habits is hard!
I realized this after writing my last post, in which I attempted to clarify how my crypto research intersects with who I am now. I habitually started referencing my papers and op-eds, helpfully providing links so any reader who wanted to could easily find them. (A habit so I can show the world that I’m right and lots of people read my work and it’s very influential.) I talked about disclosing research funding and potential political advocacy and other very serious stuff.
But last night, I felt a nagging anxiety that I wasn’t communicating the clearest picture of me and the stuff I want to talk about here at Just Trying Something.
And that the reason I was falling into the old me was because
I am afraid of losing people who were interested in the me of before
and
might not be interested in the me of now or later.
That the group of people who know me as a law professor or lawyer, or a serious, smart person, or who follow me on social media, won’t come with me on my journey of more authentic self-expression. That I am indeed starting from scratch after building a certain type of success through blood, sweat, tears, and significant self-denial.
Starting from zero is really tough when you have been measuring yourself by metrics like:
how many times your papers have been downloaded on SSRN
which media sites want to interview you
where you publish
the prestige level of the invitations you receive to speak or testify
how many people follow you on social media and who they are
how many likes or retweets you get
whether and what kind of people are citing your work
where you went to college or law school
what law firms you worked at
When you say it out loud like that, it’s embarrassing to admit you have cared so much about transparently shallow metrics, but it’s true. 🤮
I have known in theory that starting fresh will mean actually starting fresh, but it hadn’t hit me so directly until I made my plans more public last week. Before, most people just knew I was burned out and “on leave.” And I was making my changes with my family and myself, but not really sharing them outside a very small group of friends. As far as the world knew, I’d be going back to who I was before, refreshed and ready to keep climbing the same ladder.
But, I’m not, and I need to keep owning up to that. I’m working on building my own ladder now. And I have to be willing to accept the consequences. One of those being that my old peers may wish me well (or good riddance!) as I search for greener pastures. 🌳
So know this: I am giving myself permission to move forward, and I understand if anyone does not want to come along. I sincerely wish (most of) you well, and some of you not so much. 😉
You do you and I will (must) do me. ❤️
Thank you for the vulnerability and bravery in sharing this journey with everyone. It's so hard to shed the "supposed to" framework and lean into a more authentic space that doesn't fit nicely into a box. Thank you for modeling this difficult pivot, not just for law students and young lawyers, but for me, too. You definitely inspire me to keep pushing and finding my place, my voice, and my people.
As a previous student of yours I much more enjoy the real Angela! I am loving your posts, keep them coming!